If You Love Something, Let It Go
by WankyBrittanaLover
Summary: "And you're right, I DON'T need you, I just need US! Because with US I feel SAFE. I feel SMART. I feel AMAZING. I feel like the part of a WHOLE! Nothing has ever made me feel like this before! I need those feelings in my life, San. I need US just as much as I need to breathe!" What i think should have happened in the break up after the choir scene.. Forever heartbroken /3


She softly opened her dorm door, too lost in her own thoughts. She barely had any strengths left to move, let alone to breathe. She knew what had just happened. She knew she had just broken up with the love of her life. She knew she had an attraction and she knew that Brittany had probably had one too. She knew everything, but her heart wasn't catching up with her mind. Everything that happened was stuck in her head, but she still didn't feel anything. Everything just felt like if it was going in slow motion and that any minute it was going to hit her. That any minute the lost of Brittany was going to shatter her. That any minute she was going to feel so alone, she might just die from it. But she kept moving anyways because it was all she could do. It was what Brittany wanted her to do. After her break up with Brittany, she went straight back to Louisville because she knew that if she stayed, she would go back to her; and she couldn't do that to her. She couldn't go back to Brittany because Brittany deserved to be happy. Santana imagined her ex-girlfriend's pain, but she didn't know how bad it was until the whole BreadstiX incident. That was when she knew she had to set her free.

_You left me behind and it hurt. _Santana replayed Brittany's words over and over in her head like a broken record. She knew Brittany was upset because they were barely talking, but she never thought that she would think that Santana abandoned her. On the contrary, she thought Brittany felt proud of her because she went to the college that Brittany picked and wanted her to go to. She gave up on her dreams to make Brittany happy and proud. What else could she do?! Fail her classes so she could talk to her?! No, she couldn't do that because Brittany would get mad at her. Go back? No, Brittany wouldn't let her because she knew she deserved better. Go to NY? No, she would be too far away from Brittany and that would make things worse. Santana did what was best under the circumstances. She was doing everything she could to keep that pure love alive. She would call or Skype or text whenever she had the chance. She would go back to Lima every few weekends to see Brittany. She was being the best girlfriend she could be with this whole mess! Why couldn't Brittany see that? Why did she have to go and make things so much more difficult and blame Santana?! It wasn't her fault! God, why was Brittany so selfish?!

Who was she kidding; she knew that wasn't true. She knew Brittany needed more than what she could give her. She knew Brittany needed someone there to support her and make her feel special. Because Brittany was special. No, she wasn't special; Brittany was perfection. People thought she was stupid, but she just always let her heart speak for her. People never understood her because she was everything that was good in this miserable, stinking world. People made fun of her and tried to take advantage of her because she trusted people too much. And that's why Santana was always there for her. Because Brittany needed someone to "help her cross the street from that beautiful place she lived in". It was always Santana's job to make her feel better, to hold her, to understand her, to respect her, to make her a better person. But she couldn't do that anymore. She was miles away from her and Brittany needed someone there to do all of that. She knew that, she knew that, and she knew that. She didn't give up on THEM; she just gave up on the idea of being the best girlfriend in the world miles away from the one she loves. Because if you love someone, you're suppose to set them free.. Right?

Santana sat in her bed, still in slow motion. Her bed was pretty big because she didn't have a roommate so she united the two beds. It was like a master suite for her. Truth be told, college was pretty good. Nobody would judge her, or make fun of her, or treat her like shit for her sexual orientation. This was good enough for her. She felt really good here, she had everything she ever wanted and the rest didn't matter. She let herself smile, because she was finally officially away from Lima. She didn't have a reason to go back. She and Brittany broke up. Her parents could just come visit whenever they wanted. Her grandmother hated her for being a lesbian. She had nothing for her in Lima anymore and boy, did that feel good. She had always hated Lima and now she had the chance to start fresh, so why not take it? Brittany also deserved a brand new start and she gave it to her. She was starting to think that the break up was the best thing she could have done. Truth is, she wasn't the same Santana from high school. This Santana wasn't going to keep Brittany against her will to be happy. That was something that the old Santana would have done. The old Santana was the most selfish person there was, sometimes even with Brittany. This Santana was a better person. And it was all thanks to Brittany. Brittany showed her how life could be out of the closet, without bringing down people, and she liked it. Hell, she loved it! She finally had it all. Maybe not the girl, but hey there's a lot of more fish in the sea. And she was Santana Freaking Lopez, for crying out loud. She could pick whoever she wanted! Yeah, she was on top and everything was ok.

She laid down in her bed, while plugging in her headphones to her iPod. Music always made everything better because that was her true devotion. Music always found the way to say everything she was scared of saying. Music was like her therapist and that was all she needed right then and there. She decided to stand up, change, and take a nap with her headphones plugged in, and that's what she was doing until her iPod fell behind her bed, against the wall. She tried to grab it before falling by pulling her headphones up, but instead they disconnected from the iPod.

"Oh crap!" She said while trying to get it, when out of the sudden, music started playing. Apparently, the mattress hit a button and music started to play, and Santana didn't like what she was hearing. She knew that song. Just like music always did, it was speaking to her. It was telling her how she really felt about everything. It was telling her exactly what had just happened and how she really felt. She desperately started trying to find her iPod and make the music stop playing. She couldn't let herself feel anything. She was ok and she needed to believe that, even if she knew it wasn't true. She needed to lie to herself for her sake. For Brittany's sake. She couldn't let herself feel anything. Not now. Not ever. She kept trying to pull the mattresses apart and trying to reach the phone, but her emotions were taking over and her physical strength was getting worse that it already was.

"No! Stop playing! No!" Santana started screaming out while switching from one fight to the other. She no longer was fighting against her beds, she was fighting against herself and her own emotions. But she couldn't be this weak. She had to be strong. She had to be strong. She had to be…

_Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are… I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart…_

With Brittany…

Everything hit her like a train. Like a bus filled with a thousand heartbroken Brittanys. Like broken glass. Like… Like a knife straight in her heart.. She let herself cry, sob, and scream while the song said everything she was too scared to admit. Yeah, she had just told Brittany how much she loved her, but she didn't let herself admit how much it hurt her. How much losing her destroys her. How she didn't have anything without Brittany. She had been so selfish all this time. Brittany had all the right in the world to hate her. To hate what they had. Because Santana could have tried harder. She could have been a better girlfriend since the beginning and maybe all of this wouldn't happen. There had to be something she could have done right for this to not happen. At least that's what she wanted to believe because she didn't want to admit that life did everything it could to separate them, and it got it's wish.

_Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions, Oh, let's go back to the start… Runnin' in circles, Comin' up tails, heads on the science apart…_

Suddenly, all their memories hit her. The impact that Brittany had on her creeped up on her like a thief in the middle of the night. Brittany was all she had throughout all high school. She built her life around the beautiful blonde and the blonde built hers around Santana too. That was real love. That was the real deal. She remembered the first time she laid with her. She remembered the first time she told her she loved her. She remembered the first time she held her hand. She remembered that perfect prom night and her beautiful date. She remembered how Brittany supported her when she graduated. She remembered the way Brittany kissed her, the way Brittany held her, the way Brittany believed in her when she didn't even believe in herself. She remembered everything that had to do with her girl. The only problem was that she wasn't her girl anymore.

_Nobody said it was easy.. It's such a shame for us to part.. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.. Oh take me back to the start.._

Was she really that stupid? Did she really believe she could make it work even if distance didn't let her touch her girl? Did she really believe it could all be the same, even if it was completely different? Did she really believe that maybe a text per day would be enough to fulfill them both? Was she really THAT naïve? How could she think that it was all going to be a fairytale when they had always gone through hell together? How could she really? How could she promise Brittany the perfect ending, when it had always been a messed up beginning? It wasn't that their love wasn't enough. It was simply that they needed each other in every way to be truly ok. To be complete. To have it all. If she could, she would relive their love a thousand times. Even if it meant ending the same way. Even if it meant being with all those Lima losers. Even if it meant never getting anywhere in life. All she needed was her girlfriend's touch. Her girlfriend's care. Her girlfriend's love.

_I was just guessing, at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart… Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart… But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, oh, when I rush to the start… Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are…_

She couldn't feel her head anymore. Her throat was sore. Her eyes were burning. She had only been crying and screaming for around 3 minutes, but she had never cried so hard in her life. Not even when Brittany turned her down for Artie. Not even when her Abuela told her she was a disgrace and that she didn't want to see her again. Not even when they outed her when she wasn't ready. She had never cried as hard as she did that night because at least she always had Brittany. Maybe she only had her in the same class or maybe she had her holding her hand along the way, but Brittany was always close to her. This time she didn't have her. Brittany was miles away in the school where they fell in love. She didn't have anywhere to go this time. For the first time, she was completely ALONE. NOBODY was THERE for HER. Not even Puck. Not even Finn. Not even Mr. Shue. Not even her parents. Not even Quinn. Not even Rachel. Not even Blaine and Kurt and Tina and Mike and everybody from Lima. She had nobody here. She WAS a nobody here. She wasn't doing what she really wanted, she wasn't fulfilling her dreams. She was just another sexy, cheerleader that nobody really cared about because she never learned how to make friends. She hated Lima more than anything else in the world, but she also loved it as much as you love your first toy. That was where she grew up, where people (even people she didn't like) loved her and accepted her just like she was, where she would be with her girl, where you could have the worst day and tomorrow have the best one. That was Lima, Ohio everybody. And that was what she wanted.

The song kept playing, but she couldn't even hear the lyrics anymore. Her emotions and rage were making her blood pump against her ears so hard that the outside world was completely out of the picture. She kept crying and crying and crying, until there were no more tears. She wanted to keep crying, but it was almost as if she didn't have any more water inside of her. Other songs started playing, she figured, but nothing mattered anymore. She didn't have anything anywhere waiting for her. Everything shattered in front of her. Maybe if she would have gone to NY it wouldn't have been that bad, but maybe it could have been worse. Maybe if she would have never told Brittany how she really felt, she could still be heartless. But the ride was worth the pain.. or was it? She didn't know what to do with her life anymore because Brittany always made her make the right decisions. She was so lost it scared her. She stopped fighting against her body and mind and calmed down, and then she involuntarily fell asleep. It was almost as if her whole body shut down because it couldn't afford to feel anymore. For that, she was grateful.

She woke up to the sound of knocking in her door. She slowly started opening her eyes, with a massive headache coming down on her.

"Santana!" A voice said from the other side of the door while the knocking grew louder by the minute. "Open up, please!"

Everything went back to slow motion for Santana, because that beautiful voice always had that effect on her. Suddenly, her headache started to minimize and she was regaining the strengths she had lost after singing Mine a few hours ago. Was it a few hours ago? She looked at her alarm clock and she noticed it was 2:30 AM. _What the..?_

"Santana! Santana please!" The knocking and the voice continued.

Her senses were catching up with what was going on and she quickly stood up. She felt really lightheaded, but she ran to door. Even if she was running as fast as she could, making her crash to the door, it felt like she was going really slowly. Everything around her was moving so fast, even the butterflies in her stomach, that she couldn't catch up. She started to look for her doorknob with her hands because she suddenly forgot where it was and how to turn it. As soon as she remembered, she opened it as fast as she could. And then she saw her. She saw her blonde standing in front of her door, with a guitar in her hands strapped to her back. Her eyes were swollen and red. Her cheeks were pale. She looked sick, too fragile actually. She looked like a kid when they take away his stuffed animal that keeps him safe while he sleeps. She looked dead, but she still looked beautiful. But this wasn't part of the plan. She was suppose to be free. She couldn't be there.

"Britt…" Santana said, gaining a new set of tears. "How did you…"

Then Brittany started to play the guitar. The tone seemed really familiar, but Santana couldn't figure the song out because everything was still going so fast. That was until she heard Brittany singing.

_I remember how we felt sitting by the water, and every time I look at you it's like the first time.. I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter.. SHE is the BEST thing that's ever been MINE_

Santana looked down and covered her eyes. Brittany couldn't see her cry. She had to be strong this was what was best for Brittany. She had to be strong for Brittany. But Brittany kept singing..

_Do you believe it? We're gonna make it now… And I can see it…_

She stopped playing the guitar as soon as she realized how Santana was shaking and in a whisper she said "I can see it now…"

Santana was holding back sobs while trying to remember all the reasons why she broke up with Brittany, but none of them seemed to matter anymore. But they had to matter because it was just going to be worse, so she looked up, trying to control herself. Brittany was placing down the guitar and after she put it down, she met Santana's teary eyes, making her eyes tear up too.

"What are you-" Santana tried to say.

"You can't do that." Brittany interrupted.

"Do what?" Santana asked, bringing her eyebrows together, just like she always does.

"You can't say that we're going to make it and then break up with me. You can't choose what's best for us. You can't give up on the love that made us both better people. You can't leave me alone, San. I need you. I fucking need-"

"Don't say that, Brittany.."

"Santana, sweetheart I do need you. Please, let's just get back together and-"

"Just stop..."

"San, together we can conquer the world. We can fight against everything it will be alright I promise."

"No it won't..."

"Just believe me, ok? All I know is that I need you and-"

"Stop saying that! Don't lie to yourself like that! You DON'T need ME, what you NEED is someone to be THERE for you! I was the one that always needed you, Britt! It was always me, because I never dared to let anybody in! You were the one that got in my heart without my permission! You were the one that taught me how to love! You were the one that made me accept myself! It was always you!" Santana screamed out crying, desperately trying to prove her point to both herself and Brittany. Brittany just shook her head in disbelief and let all the anger she had been keeping since Santana left come out to the surface.

"I NEVER did that, Santana! It was never ME, it was OUR LOVE that did that for you! And you're right, I DON'T need you, I just need US! Because with US I feel SAFE. I feel SMART. I feel AMAZING. I feel like the part of a WHOLE! Nothing has ever made me feel like this before! I need those feelings in my life, San. I need US just as much as I need to breathe! " Brittany said, screaming back and also crying.

"Well, I won't let you have me! You deserve better!"

"That's not true!" Brittany screamed back, she turned around while pulling back her hair from the top. She punched the wall, surprising Santana because she had never seen Brittany like that. She was the sweetest thing ever, Santana was the only who would punch walls. Brittany turned back around, with her face soaking wet and kept screaming at Santana. "You were always what I deserved because you're amazing! Stop making up excuses! God, it's like you don't love me anymore!"

"I DO love you! More than anything else in the whole world!" Santana said shaking and crying.

"Then why did you break up with me?!" Brittany said, screaming and with her face all red due to her anger.

"You know why, Brittany! I told you!"

"Because you had a stupid energy exchange?!"

"No! Because long distance relationships are almost impossible to maintain and they ruin everything! Everybody says so! They have even done studies about it!"

"The world and faith and science may say all that bullshit, but they don't speak as loud as my heart! My heart says we can make it! My heart says we can do it! Why give up on us?!"

"I'm not giving up on US. I'm giving up on the perfect ending idea because you deserve to be happy!"

"How do you know that's what will make me happy?!"

"Because you would be free! You can make your life however you want it! Because you won't be stuck all day in your house waiting for me to call you! Because even though it KILLS me to do this, it's for the best. Because in times like these, if you love someone, you let them go!"

Santana was now sobbing against the door frame, trying to regain her balance. Brittany was really mad and crying, but she finally understood why Santana did what she did. Back in the choir room, she didn't really listen to Santana because she was still processing everything and she couldn't believe what was happening. She didn't break up with her because of another girl; she broke up with her because she wanted her to be happy. Because that was what she thought was right. How can she be mad at Santana?

"And if it comes back, it was always yours. And if it doesn't, it never was." Brittany said calmly, getting closer to Santana. "I came back Santana. You want to know why? Because I'm so yours. I always have been. I always will be. Proudly so. And you know it. You even sang a song about it, remember?"

Santana looked up and chuckled, calming down a bit. Brittany wiped away a tear from Santana's face as she continued speaking. "I love you, Santana. But you don't always have to protect me. You don't have to let me go, because I'll always be yours. Even if I'm with someone else, I'll always be yours. I was born to love you and I will die loving you as much as I do right now. You can't stop that from happening."

"I want to be there for you. I want to be with you in your senior year again. But I can't. I'm stuck here and I don't want you to be stuck with me. I need time, so we both get our shit straighten out. Because neither of us are doing what we really want to do. I stopped myself from fulfilling my dreams because I wanted to keep us alive, and you flunked because you were going through all my shit with me. We need to be there for ourselves, before we get to be there for each other. You understand me, right?" Santana said, grabbing Brittany's hands.

Brittany gave her a teary smile and responded. "I don't understand a lot of things, but our love is the one thing I understand because I listen with my heart, not my mind. But just don't say we're broken up. We're just giving each other time, so we get back together in the end. Just wait for me to graduate. I'll graduate this year for you so we never have to be apart again. We can do whatever we want with our lives this year, even be with other people, but don't give up on us until that happens. Ok?"

"I never will give up on us, Britt." Santana said smiling, with her voice cracking up.

"Pinkie promise?" Brittany held up her pinkie.

"Pinkie promise.." Santana said as she linked her pinkie with hers.

Brittany smiled and gave her a deep kiss in her girl's plumber lips.

"I love you." She whispered into her lips.

"I love you, too." Santana said, letting her tears fall down her face while she grabbed Brittany's face as she kissed her like she has never kissed anyone before.

A few seconds later, Brittany separated. "I better get going… My parents don't know I left."

Santana just chuckled and nodded. They were still hand in hand, as she started walking away. As soon as the tips of their fingers were about to disconnect from each other, Santana spoke up.

"Stay here tonight. For old times' sake."

Brittany looked back and smiled at Santana. She ran to Santana's arms and kissed her fiercely as they were going inside and closing the door behind them. The separation didn't matter anymore. Neither did their pain. Neither did Brittany's parents. All that mattered was their love and how that night, they became one once again. Because even though it looked like the end, they both knew it was just the beginning...


End file.
